Removing Shame and Shedding Limiting Beliefs: How Eliminating “Should” from Your Vocabulary Removes Shame from Your Life
In Part One of this chapter, Removing Shame and Shedding Limiting Beliefs, I touched on the word “should.”
Here’s a little refresher:
And anytime you hear the word “should” thrown around, that’s a pretty sure sign that someone is trying to play the shame game.
“You should really cover up.”
“Do you really think you should be wearing that at your age?”
“You should mind your manners.”
“You should be ashamed of yourself!”
Ring a bell?
Up to this point in this series of coming home to ourselves in The Path Back to You, each chapter has consisted of four parts, but as I began to write the next chapter, I realized I wanted to go a little deeper with this word, “should” and why we need to do our best to eliminate it from our vocabulary.
Throughout this journey, we’ve been working hard on raising our vibrations and being responsible for the energy we give and we surround ourselves with, we’ve worked on living from soul instead of ego, and we’re currently working on removing shame and shedding limiting beliefs. I don’t think we can fully remove shame or shed limiting beliefs without dealing with the magnitude of the word should and totally eliminating it from our vocabulary. So while this Part 5 is not expected, it’s absolutely necessary.
Because the words we say matter. The words we say to ourselves matter. The words we say to others matter.
Words speak things into existence. They’re a tool of creation.
The word “should” is not good for any of us.
Should is an indication of obligation, not desire.
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In this chapter, Removing Shame and Shedding Limiting Beliefs, we also talked about triggers, identifying them, and working through them. The word “should” is a huge trigger. It’s just that it’s used so much in our everyday vocabulary, in our everyday lives that we don’t even recognize it.
Obligation is defined as the condition of being morally or legally bound to do something.
So when we tell ourselves we “should” do something, we are telling ourselves we are morally or legally bound to do it.
How many times a day do you think or say the words “I should”? That’s how many times you're telling yourself you are morally obligated to do that task. Not that you’re grateful for the opportunity to do that task. Not that you’re excited to do that task.
You’re obligated.
It’s crucial for us to flip the script here: we need to rewire that trigger from one of obligation to one of consideration.
Every time you tell yourself you should do something, you’re telling yourself you aren’t good enough. You’re inviting in negative energy. Think about it…every once in a while, you might clean out your email inbox or finish organizing your closet or finally list your kids’ outgrown clothes on Facebook Marketplace. Other times, you probably sigh and feel a vague sense of mourning for all the things you’re not actually getting done. More often than not, your brain cascades into a series of “I shoulds,” leaving you too overwhelmed to initiate any items on your to-do list.
I should exercise more.
I should sign up to help with the school fundraiser.
I should keep my house cleaner.
When your brain uses the word “should” — a word used that signals obligation, duty, or correctness, particularly when criticizing an action — it’s taking information from what it believes to be an authoritative source and telling you how you can be better.
It takes all the things you get to do and turns them into obligations. It takes all the things you haven’t gotten to yet and turns them into failures.
“Should” is a terrible authority figure.
We’re talking about removing shame here and the word should is like a massive highway leading straight to it.
Somewhere between playing with legos and filling out our first job application, we picked up messages about how we “should” be. When life catches up to us and we have more balls in the air than we could ever catch at one time, we turn our anger inwards for the ways we fall short.
The word “should” has become a fixture in our everyday dialogue. We use it in conversation with others, as a way of motivating ourselves or keeping ourselves in check. The word “should” is inherently negative; using this word results in feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, frustration, and self-rejection.
Beating ourselves up for what we should have done, or telling ourselves who we should be, is starting a fight with ourselves. It drains our energy from other tasks and perpetuates a negative self-talk cycle.
The word “should” not only implies that you have an obligation to get something done, but that there will be a consequence if you don’t. And while this may be true on occasion, “should” isn’t motivating us. It’s demotivating us. Instead of funneling our gifts and focus and energy toward our strengths, it shifts our focus to our weaknesses. Until they’re all we can see.
The word "should'' can also be a sign of an all-or-nothing mentality. This inflexibility can make you feel stuck because you're unable to consider alternate points of view. Opportunities to learn and grow are missed, because you're too busy beating yourself up.
How many times have you been unexpectedly interrupted by life in a way that changes your day or your identity for the better? Taking the wrong turn leads you to the best hole-in-the-wall tacos you’ve ever found. A surprise, late-in-life pregnancy is the missing piece your family didn’t know it needed. A “just for now” job that helps make ends meet leads to a career you never would have otherwise considered.
“Should” could have derailed any of those happy accidents and delayed countless moments of joy along the way.
When we say we should do something, it’s another way of expressing that whatever we’ve chosen to do isn’t enough. It belittles our choices. Should is critical, creating pressure and breeding insecurity.
That’s when we say it to ourselves, but it’s equally harmful when we use it with others. And why if we have children, we must eliminate it from our vocabulary.
Because “should” is judgmental.
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When we tell others what they should do, we extend our judgment to them. Just like others have no business telling us what to do, the opposite is also true.
We don’t know what others should do so there’s no reason to use words that suggest otherwise.
Research shows that we’re more likely to be productive when we find work meaningful, not when we’re driven by a fear of punishment.
And here’s what’s interesting, we rarely question the driver behind the “should.” Where is it coming from? It could be coming from many different places: A literal authority figure, like a boss. It could be a society driven social norm.
If “should” represents an obligation, we have to examine who we feel obligated to?
Who is the face or voice behind this guilt?
Wherever it’s coming from, a spouse or boss or parent, we need to free both ourselves and that person from the weight of embodying our “should.” And we have to ensure we don’t become the face or voice of “should” for our own children and spouses.
“Should” statements fail to inspire us and often result in negative emotions. When we fail to do the thing we tell ourselves we “should” do, we feel guilty or resentful towards the person or idea pressuring us. This can lead to increased stress, tense relationships, and decreased productivity. None of this is good for our energy, for keeping our vibrations high.
The Word “Should” Leads to Regret
However or whenever you find yourself using “should,” you’re engaging in an active form of self-criticism. We are telling ourselves that we are not enough just as we are. This isn’t just dangerous mentally, but also physically. Self-rejection creates anxiety and stress in our minds and bodies, shutting down our brain’s ability to problem-solve and maintain attention on a new task.
The word “should” creeps into our minds and steals away our most precious resource: our time.
How much TIME do we spend looking backward, beating ourselves up about things we simply cannot change? This mental practice is criminal and we have the choice to eliminate it.
There are plenty of reasons to be wary of the word should, but this might be the most important one — should doesn’t exist.
There’s no such thing as a single way we should live our life or do our job.
We might have dreams or goals, big and small, for the day or for our whole lives. But there’s no one way to get there.
There’s no one path we “should” follow, so we can stop speaking and acting as if there is.
We can stop focusing on “should” and start focusing on what is.
When we eliminate “should,” we move from negativity to positivity, obligation to gratitude, being drowned out by others’ voices to hearing our own more clearly.
Want to know how to do this practically? Check out the workbook portion in my course, The Path Back to You.
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