Reparenting Your Inner Child: Finding What You’re Looking for… Inside Yourself: Healing Father Wounds

“Daddy issues.”

We’ve all heard the term. When a woman finds herself in another relationship with a “deadbeat” guy, or a man keeps running into problems with the law, we tend to say they have “daddy issues.”

And while that might be an unfair stereotype, there is a reality to the impact of father wounds.

Last week, we talked about how mother wounds impact how we view ourselves and our identity when a mother’s nurturing presence is withheld or damaged.

With a father wound, we tend to see how a father’s absence or negative presence creates ripples of pain throughout a child’s life. Research shows that one in four families in the US operates without a present father. And many more have a physically present father who is still emotionally distant, abusive, or toxic.

A father wound might be inflicted in childhood, but many of us try to power through the pain without finding real healing. We try to stitch closed an infected wound and instead of healing, it festers. The only way to truly heal is to open the wound back up and clean out all the bad.

So let’s talk about how to do that.

By learning to identify our father wounds and how they manifest in our adult lives, we can truly heal from the inside out.

Fathers are typically and traditionally considered to be their family’s providers and protectors, perhaps more distant than a nurturing mother but often counted on for advice and stability.

When absence makes this dynamic impossible, a child will experience a father wound.

As with the mother wound, there’s a huge range of woundings that can happen, from abuse and trauma to disappointed expectations and unmet needs. I’ve noticed that those who experience wounds on the more traumatic end tend to call in experiences with men that mimic those that they grew up with. The familiarity, even if chaotic, feels safe. This is the classic “daddy issues” stereotype.

Those with more subtle father wounds may “call in” relationships with men that seem ideal. Stable providers who seemingly have everything together. Whether they’re trying to find someone like their father or someone to provide something their father never could, they’re still looking outside of themselves to solve something internal.

In case it’s hard to identify father wounds in your own life, here’s what that might have looked like:

In childhood, a father who was…

Overprotective and controlling

Highly critical or uninterested in your passions

Struggling with his mental health

The victim of wounding from his own father

Abusive verbally, physically, financially, mentally, emotionally, or sexually

Physically absent

Neglectful

An addict

Absent due to divorce or custody agreements

Absent through death

In adulthood, those father wounds can look like…

Feeling unworthy

Lack of self-confidence

Low self-esteem

Over-indexing on masculine energy

Workaholism and an obsession with success

Codependency

Addiction issues

Fear of abandonment or rejection

Victimhood, assuming everything is your fault

Fear that you are inherently deficient or unlovable

Shame, depression, chronic anxiety

And just like we talked about with mother wounds, these unhealthy manifestations of a childhood wounding might not be your fault, but they are your responsibility.

We’ve all heard the phrase, hurt people hurt people. If you don’t take responsibility for your healing, the infection will spread to the people you love most, and the generational trauma will continue.

You didn’t cause your wounds, but you can find your own healing.

All of our experiences are all the little puzzle pieces we pick up along the way that seem like nothing in the moment, but they are our becoming. And we can’t heal, we can’t piece the puzzle back together until we face the truth of the father wounds that shape us.

And choosing to heal doesn’t mean you need to forgive. Forced forgiveness doesn’t help anyone. But as you release yourself from the prison of your own childhood wounds, you may find compassion for your own father’s wounds.

While it can be difficult to recognize and heal from the father wound, it’s reassuring to know that it is completely possible. By learning to love yourself, seeking the support of a trained and licensed professional, and learning from the unhealthy patterns of the past, you can overcome your father wound.

If you want to learn how to heal the father wound, I believe it’s one of the best decisions you could ever make and I’m so happy for you. I would love to share with you step-by-step how to heal the father wound. Healing this particular wound will change your life in ways you can’t even begin to imagine. Join me on The Path Back to You and receive an entire workbook.