EMBRACING DARKNESS AND UNPACKING GRIEF: Mourning the Life We Thought We’d Live
Sometimes, whether slowly or all at once, you realize that your life is not and will never be what you thought it would be. Even if it is more beautiful than you thought possible, even if you are more fulfilled than you could have imagined, even if you wouldn’t take that first dream life back for all the money in the world, you eventually need to grieve the life you fought so hard for… the life you’ll never have and maybe never had.
I thought I would grow up with a big sister by my side. A sudden death of a person and a dream and a life.
I thought I’d live the rest of my life with Brian and I married, living in the same house. That was a slow dissolution. It’s hard to put a time of death on something like that. That’s a mourning that starts sooner– while the relationship is still living and breathing– and lasts longer, until well after all formal ties are severed.
I’ll never mourn Brian, because our love for each other is still very real. Both emotional and practical, so clear in the ways we work to make life beautiful for each other, whether that’s sharing in an old joke, in lending a listening ear or making ourselves available outside of designated times to parent our kids together.
And in many ways, my sister Courtney is still here too. She speaks to me in flowers and cardinals and even dreams.
But I think we can mourn the end of what once was… the idea that a person or relationship or life can’t continue progressing and growing. That we can’t keep walking side-by-side on the same path.
MY TELL-ALL MEMOIR
Sleeping with a Stranger is officially available everywhere books are sold, in hardcover, paperback, ebook, and audiobook. Since the book’s launch, I’ve been amazed by how it has been received. From being named a best seller by USA Today, the Wall Street Journal, #1 on Amazon and Barnes & Noble Top Ten to incredibly personal and touching reviews from my amazing readers, it’s been such a wild journey!
Instead, we’re cheering each other on from separate paths. Knowing that with each necessary step, we’re growing further and further apart. Further from who we were when we were together.
I think that’s what I really mean when I talk about outgrowing one another. It’s not that one person has the moral high ground. It’s that both have grown, but in different directions. In the right directions. And any attempt to stop that growth would be crazy! Who would want to stop growth?
If you really love someone, don’t you want the best for them, even though it might hurt you?
But how do you grieve something that you chose. Something that hurts so deeply even when you know it’s the right choice?
FREE DOWNLOAD: Want to let go of what's holding you back so you can receive your best life?
This grief isn’t limited to relationships. Sometimes losing a job or walking away from a career or not seeing a work dream play out the way you thought it would is just as painful.
When I wrote my book Sleeping with a Stranger, I was 100% set up to have a killer book release. The book was written. I was accepted by a top PR agency. I had a promotional schedule in hand. Two weeks in NYC, two in LA. I was scheduled for shows like The Today Show, Good Morning America, Dr. Oz. My book had even been selected to be the October book of the month for a VERY well known book club. All these contracts were signed and I paid my (hefty) fees exactly one week before the Covid pandemic rocked our world.
A press tour suddenly canceled. That October book club selection reneged to– rightly– feature a much deserving author of color.
So much to share about my book. So many books unsigned. Interviews I’d been giving in the mirror since I was six years old. Gone, overnight.
I had to mourn this grief.
This is a deep, personal grief that is made harder to process because it’s so complex. And there’s no sign of when it might end or fade. And usually, so few understand. While Brian and my love for each other can continue in new ways because we have such concrete places to channel that love– our children and our eternally enmeshed lives– our families and friends don’t have that same advantage and struggle to know where to channel everything they feel. Their anger and resentment and confusion.
Brian and I made the decision to separate and later divorce out of love. Our love for each other and for the way we grew up together in young adulthood and parenthood helped us to know that if we wanted to keep our love and appreciation for that season we’d already loved together, we needed to end in its time. We couldn’t drag it out without poisoning the good we had and have.
Still, it’s normal to revisit or want to revisit your old life. It’s comfortable. And sometimes we do this in order to remember that our old life doesn’t fit us anymore. To remind us why we chose what we did.
The most helpful way to revisit a life that you mourn but don’t want back is to explore timelines.
The short version of a timeline is basically, you give yourself the time and space to sit and meditate on:
Your actual past. From beginning to end. What’s been powerful for you. What’s been traumatic for you. Anything that comes to mind.
Then imagine your actual past from the perspective of the people around you. How did they perceive your actions and choices? Did you hurt people or were you hurt by people? What was or could have been going on with them to prompt those feelings and expressions?
Imagine your fullest life, your highest potential. The life you were made for, if your skills and wisdom and circumstances played out in perfect alignment.
And you can shift from your actual life to your new life. Your “birthright” life.
STRUGGLING?
NO ONE YOU CAN CONFIDE IN?
GOING THROUGH A TOUGH MENTAL JOURNEY?
I’m here to help!
Mentoring and Life Coaching Sessions are now open. I’ve been through my own healing journey, and am here to help you through yours!
There’s a word for shifting timelines like this… it’s called the ‘quantum leap.’
You’re leaping, or upgrading. This is where everything that you have been manifesting, everything that you have been dreaming about in the energetic realms, this is where it grounds into the physical realm. Your emotional and soul reality crashes into your physical reality and your new life, your calling, integrates with your actual reality. You need to stay open, stay receptive, and believe that all of the new, abundant, successful energy is being unleashed and is being sent your way.
Everything is a choice and shifting to your highest timeline is one of the best choices you'll ever make.
There’s nothing better than stepping into the life you know in your bones you were created to live.
There’s nothing more beautiful than handling a situation better than you would have in the past. It’s evidence that you’re transitioning to that higher timeline, ready to embody your true dream life.
Reflecting on dreams that need to be released gives you the wisdom and the room to step into the life that was made for you. You shouldn’t idealize the past, nor should you ignore it. Honor the past for what it was, learn from it what wisdom it offers, and then step into the life made for you. You have always had the key to open any door.
Want to know more about the life I’ve had to mourn as well as some practical tools for how to grieve, like my favorite meditations, affirmations, and steps to purposefully letting go? I’d invite you to join my Path Back to You course. Click here to learn more.
When you feel like you're losing your mind, I’m here to help you restore your soul.
In “The Path Back to You” I share with you my own personal story of struggle, trauma, etc. as a sacred offering. My hope is that through my story, you can better see yourself. I share with you my darkest moments and the steps I took to find my light– the light I had dimmed for most of my life.
Throughout all the heartache I’ve endured, I’ve finally found peace. And I want to share my roadmap with you.
I’m committed to keeping the work I share FREE to my readers, not hidden behind a paywall.
If you’d like to support my work so I can continue providing free resources, click the button below then select a giving option. Thank you!