Welcome to Zimmerman Podcast Episode 120: EMBRACING DARKNESS AND UNPACKING GRIEF: Mourning the Life We Thought We’d Live

Sometimes, whether slowly or all at once, you realize that your life is not and will never be what you thought it would be. Even if it is more beautiful than you thought possible, even if you are more fulfilled than you could have imagined, even if you wouldn’t take that first dream life back for all the money in the world, you eventually need to grieve the life you fought so hard for… the life you’ll never have and maybe never had.

I thought I would grow up with a big sister by my side. A sudden death of a person and a dream and a life.

I thought I’d live the rest of my life with Brian and I married, living in the same house. That was a slow dissolution. It’s hard to put a time of death on something like that. That’s a mourning that starts sooner– while the relationship is still living and breathing– and lasts longer, until well after all formal ties are severed.

I’ll never mourn Brian, because our love for each other is still very real. Both emotional and practical, so clear in the ways we work to make life beautiful for each other, whether that’s sharing in an old joke, in lending a listening ear or making ourselves available outside of designated times to parent our kids together.

And in many ways, my sister Courtney is still here too. She speaks to me in flowers and cardinals and even dreams.

But I think we can mourn the end of what once was… the idea that a person or relationship or life can’t continue progressing and growing. That we can’t keep walking side-by-side on the same path.

Instead, we’re cheering each other on from separate paths. Knowing that with each necessary step, we’re growing further and further apart. Further from who we were when we were together.

I think that’s what I really mean when I talk about outgrowing one another. It’s not that one person has the moral high ground. It’s that both have grown, but in different directions. In the right directions. And any attempt to stop that growth would be crazy! Who would want to stop growth? If you really love someone, don’t you want the best for them, even though it might hurt you?

But how do you grieve something that you chose. Something that hurts so deeply even when you know it’s the right choice?

This grief isn’t limited to relationships. Sometimes losing a job or walking away from a career or not seeing a work dream play out the way you thought it would is just as painful.

When I wrote my book Sleeping with a Stranger, I was 100% set up to have a killer book release. The book was written. I was accepted by a top PR agency. I had a promotional schedule in hand. Two weeks in NYC, two in LA. I was scheduled for shows like The Today Show, Good Morning America, Dr. Oz. My book had even been selected to be the October book of the month for a VERY well known book club. All these contracts were signed and I paid my (hefty) fees exactly one week before the Covid pandemic rocked our world.

A press tour suddenly canceled. That October book club selection reneged to– rightly– feature a much deserving author of color.

So much to share about my book. So many books unsigned. Interviews I’d been giving in the mirror since I was six years old. Gone, overnight.

Find out how I mourned this grief in today's podcast

EPISODE 120 TOPICS:

Why I’ll never mourn Brian, and how, in many ways, my sister Courtney is still here too
The most helpful way to revisit a life that you mourn but don’t want back is to explore timelines and what to meditate on to explore them
Shifting timelines and the ‘quantum leap’

Listen to the podcast audio or you can watch the episode with the play buttons below

Not starting over, but starting again, on a path that will return you to yourself.

For the past few years, I’ve been on this journey of rediscovery, and it has changed everything. So here’s my invitation– learn to feel at home in your skin again. Join me, on The Path Back to You.

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Links

THE PATH BACK TO YOU

My brand new course, The Path Back to You isn't about starting over, but starting again, on a path that will return you to yourself. For the past few years, I’ve been on this journey of rediscovery, and it has changed everything. So here’s my invitation– learn to feel at home in your skin again. Join me, on The Path Back to You. And just for my podcast listeners, use code PATH15 for 15% off. https://jessicazimmerman.com/the-path-back-to-you-course

My Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Z_ax0vCBUw

My Best Selling Memoir, Sleeping with a Stranger: https://jessicazimmerman.com/sleeping-with-a-stranger