Knowing, Loving, and Teaching My Kids as Individuals

I’ll never forget the day I took my four week old twin boys to the pediatrician. 

“Perry isn’t drinking as much as Zeke.”

“Zeke is coughing a little, and Perry’s not coughing at all.”

“Perry cries when we bathe him. Zeke seems to enjoy it.”

I was worried.

The doctor looked at me and said, “Jessica, if you didn’t have Perry, would you be concerned that Zeke coughed? If you didn’t have Zeke, would you think anything of Perry crying during bath time?” 

I stood quietly, soaking in what she’d just said. 

That day, I left the pediatrician’s office knowing that even though I had three children very close in age (Stella is only 22 months older than her twin brothers), it wasn't my job to parent these children as a collective group.

It was my job to see each of them as their own unique person.

As they've grown, I’ve learned that this requires really tapping into their emotions, building trust, and teaching each of them differently. 

The way I taught Stella to ride a bike is completely different than how I taught Perry, and both of those ways are completely different than how I’m currently teaching Zeke. Sometimes, this is exhausting. It'd be easier to lump them together. But then I remember that this is teaching me something important. 

The thing about parenting, for me, is I’m not always the expert, the guide.

I don't have to be. I don’t have to have all the answers to all their questions.

I just have to show up and be honest with my kids. That honesty builds trust. That trust builds closeness. That closeness inspires me to truly see their unique natures and do my best to help cultivate their individual strengths. 

Zeke is our cautious child. He’s not that impressed with what other five year olds find impressive. He’d rather have you pull him in a wagon than ride a bike. He prefers sitting on a lounge chair with an umbrella shading him from the sun than doing cannonballs off the side of the pool.

It's like having a grandpa in a five-year-old's body. I like to think that Zeke isn't new here, on earth. He's been here before. He's seen it all and done it all and he knows better. 

A week ago, Zeke would barely get in the pool. I'd been sitting with him, racking my brain, thinking “How am I going to teach Zeke how to swim? The way I taught Stella and the way I taught Perry are not going to work. How am I going to teach Zeke?” 

Then, it came to me. I got into the pool and held Zeke--  just held him. He wanted to get out at first, but I said, “No. I’m just going to hold you here in the water until you begin to feel comfortable. I’m not going to let you run away. I’ve got you. I’m not going to drop you. You have to trust me.” 

He fought me for a minute, but eventually gave in. I held him in the water for 20 minutes until he began to joke with his siblings and splash around a little. The next day, I did the same thing but with his puddle jumper on - just held him. The next day, I had him hang on to the ladder by himself with me right beside him. Then, I got him to be able to splash a little by himself. After three days, he would get in the pool with his puddle jumper by himself, but he refused to put his face in the water. Making bubbles - that’s too juvenile for Zeke. He’s not into it. So I got my mask and snorkel out of a box in my garage. I tightened it as tight as it would go and the next day put it on Zeke. 

Today, he is a fish. Today, he swam all over the deep end of the pool by himself, his face fully submerged, looking at the bottom of the pool through his mask. I am so proud of him. 

It would have been easy to get frustrated that the system that worked for Stella didn’t work with Zeke. It would have been easy to say something negative or give up all together. But parenting is not easy. It’s a challenge. And honestly, it’s not all about the kids. We teach our kids through parenting, but we learn so much more. And I'm so very grateful.