Yesterday I shared how true unconditional love for others and yourself can lead to healing and wholeness.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t mention that before self love becomes a liberation, it will be a burden.
This work is not for the faint of heart. Eighteen months ago, once I realized I needed to release my masculine self in order to be returned to my true self, a whole, incorporated, soul, I had to walk through a Dark Night of the Soul.
Because in order to return to who you were made to be, you have to walk back through all the shit you’ve experienced in this life.
I remember watching Frozen II and crying in the movie theater because of how much I connected with Elsa as she waded through her Dark Night of the Soul. In the opening scene, she’s surrounded by her loved ones by a crackling fire, playing games, and instead of enjoying the intimacy, she’s distracted by a voice that’s calling her into something new. No one else hears the voice, but to her, it’s the realest thing she’s ever heard.
My journey to uncovering my Divine Feminine started because of an imbalance in my relationship with Brian. Our wounded energies and unhealthy patterns revealed to both of us ways we needed to heal. In some ways, I wish we hadn’t had to hurt and harm each other to discover this, and in some ways, I’m so grateful that the person who got to see my woundedness the clearest was someone I trust and love as much as Brian.
If you’ve read other posts in this series, you know that about a year into my 18 month return to the Divine Feminine, I had a breakdown. And I thought, “okay, this is officially rock bottom.” I had called in experiences that left me with only two choices: to break down and heal repeated cycles of hurt, or to just stay broken. I wanted to be broken down so that I could then be restored. And I was.
But first, I spent a couple of days on the floor weeping, and I remember feeling despair like I’d never known. My immediate reaction was the one I’d relied on over and over again throughout my life– even though I had worked hard for a year to uncover my Divine Feminine, but in this moment of despair, I wanted my Wounded Masculine energy back.
I wanted to put up walls and tell myself the other person is the problem.
It’s easier to do that.
If you do a quick Google search, you could learn enough facts and talking points about the concepts of divine masculine and feminine to get you through any dinner party conversation. You’d find information about how the divine masculine and divine feminine have been present in various spiritual traditions and belief systems throughout history. You’d find lists explaining that divine masculine usually represents qualities like strength, action, logic, and rationality, while divine feminine represents qualities like intuition, nurturing, creativity, and emotional intelligence.
But facts and truth are two sides of the same coin, and no amount of internet searching can replace what I’ve experienced in the past eighteen months of my life, ever since I found out about the concept of divine masculine and divine feminine.